saga/title/fandom:The Private and Personal Journal of Abu al-Walid


rating/genre:(PG-13) - Gen/Het

warnings: Dubious Content, Adult Humor

summary: The title says it all.

comments/disclaimers: Pitch Black et al are not mine. The idea comes from repetitive readings of the genius that are The Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire, based on Lord of the Rings. I do not apologise for my sorry attempts at humour, but feel free to lynch at will.

First Day of Hajj

Not paying Farad back the money I owe him on time probably bad idea in long run. Have now found myself landed with three boys to take on Hajj to New Mecca. At least I'll be far away from remaining creditors. Think Farad was looking for any excuse to offload nephews.

Will try to learn their names at some point.

Second Day of Hajj

In hurry to leave for gateway station should anyone else turn up with offspring, have left cigarettes behind. As I'll be in cryo-sleep for most of the journey I should be able to handle it.

Boys could prove annoying. Found youngest two playing tic-tac-toe on a prayer mat using my best stick of eyeliner.

Attempt to bum cigarette off desk clerk foiled by arrival of frazzled looking blonde woman. Briefly considered asking her for one but was put off by rant about thieving house elves.

Third Day of Hajj

Journey taken slight detour. On the one hand - I'm still alive. On the other - so are the boys.

Brief moment of panic when thought boys had managed to replicate themselves. Turned out fourth child another boy called Jack who is definitely not my responsibility.

Searched ship wreckage for more survivors in hope they might have cigarettes. No survivors but crate of alcohol found. Attempt to swipe a few bottles foiled by eldest boy reminding me alcohol wasn't permitted on hajj.

The boys are very annoying.

Efforts to frisk Owens' body interrupted by news of Riddick's escape. Excited at knowledge of serial killer on the loose, I suggest going to look for water in the direction of new sun that's popped up. My adage of "Red sky at night, shepherds delight; red sky in morning, shepherds warning" met with looks of confusion. Infidels.

Dragged boys along with me in search of water but really just hoping Riddick may knock a couple, if not all, of them off. He's supposed to be a mass murderer after all so maybe I'll get lucky.

Had philosophical discussion with the blonde woman called Fry about the importance of hajj. Told her it was as much about finding yourself as it was about finding God. Finding yourself a bumper carton of Marlboro unfiltered.

Discovery of animal skeletons a marked improvement to the day. Cousin Musa once told me how bone marrow makes for an excellent hand-rolled.

Musa a liar or an idiot or both.

Discovery of settlement sparks another wave of hope. False hope as it turns out. On one hand the water fountain appears to be workable, on the other there are no shops. Settlers obviously had their priorities mixed up.

Confiscated toy robot from youngest by telling him it wasn't permitted while on hajj. Think maybe nicotine withdrawal is getting to me. Still rather funny though.

Extended Third day of Hajj

Recapture of Riddick dampens amusement. He's currently being blamed for Zeke's disappearance. Maybe should have left boys back at crash site after all.

Decision been made to explore hole in search of Zeke's body. Offers to send all three boys down there fall on deaf ears and Fry goes instead.

Zeke definitely dead, Fry almost dead and Riddick now not considered so dangerous after all. Became a bit too much for me and had to bite back tears of disappointment.

Tried to ask Riddick if he smokes but was intercepted by Johns. Tempted to ask him if he smokes but was slightly disturbed by way he keeps staring at Riddick.

Youngest boy gone off in sulk over my refusal to return toy robot. He said eldest told him robots aren't mentioned in Quran. Middle child appears out of nowhere to back him up. Informed boys that it was in the same section as human sacrifice being part of hajj rite of passage. Boys laughed and said that wasn't part of the teachings either. Told them there was a first time for everything.

Turns out youngest boy is called Ali. Had to learn name in order to ask others if they'd seen him. Must appear to look like I'm concerned.

Finally found Ali. Most of him anyway. Maybe should have sent other boys into coring room also. Still... one down, two to go.

Apparently there's going to be an eclipse. On the down side, I may get eaten by local wildlife. On the up side, the boys might instead.

Am fairly certain skinny white man called Paris is harbouring secret stash of cigarettes.

Fourth Day of Hajj?

Now sure that entire settlement did not in fact leave planet but were killed instead. This further inspires me to check cabins for packets of cigs. Surely one member of the team must have smoked.

Efforts to mug Paris for almost assured stash, thwarted by sudden arrival of large ringed planet. Probably this eclipse thing they're talking about.

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