saga/title/fandom:The Private and Personal Journal of Richard Beau Riddick


rating/genre:(PG-13) - Gen/Het

warnings: Dubious Content, Adult Humor

summary: The title says it all.

comments/disclaimers: Pitch Black et al are not mine. The idea comes from repetitive readings of the genius that are The Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire, based on Lord of the Rings. I do not apologise for my sorry attempts at humour, but feel free to lynch at will.

Day One


Day Two

Still free.

Day Seven

Yep, still free. Novelty starting to wear off as nothing to look at in space. Prison transports not known for wide range of entertainment facilities.

Day Twenty-Four

Touchdown! Found inhabited planet that accepted fake ID without question. Stripped ship for pawnable parts and flogged them to locals.

Had drink in bar and attempted to pick up a couple of women. Having been out the game a while, it's possible my chat up lines need work. Shall have to practice.

Day Twenty-Five

Have a feeling am being followed by someone. Caught a glimpse of a longhaired brunette with sunglasses on, peering round a wall at me. Maybe it's one of the women from the bar. Chat up lines not that bad then.

Day Twenty-Seven

Female stalker not a stalker. Or female.

Longhaired brunette in dress and heels finally jumped me from behind. Got all excited about prospect of hot sex when her hair came off. Found myself in a tussle with crazed looking man with bad make-up job screaming incoherently about a 'Stratocaster'. Realised too late who it was and knocked unconscious by billy-club.

Nope, not free anymore.

Day Twenty-Eight

Attempt to bribe Johns into not returning me to slam unsuccessful. May try negotiating alternate arrangements instead.


Negotiations unsuccessful and possibly big mistake. Bringing up the past is never a good thing. Had to tolerate another screaming fit, this time with hand gestures. Have asked to be gagged to prevent further incident.

Day Twenty-Nine

Tussle broke out during attempt to move me aboard transport. Damn leg chains. They always make me trip over. Johns already on short fuse so immediately whipped out billy-club and smacked me with it. During struggle I swallowed something. Possibly that thing Johns was waving at me last night.

Day Thirty

Johns intolerable. Has accused me of stealing his plectrum. It's sad seeing a grown man cry like that. Bit in mouth all that prevents me from telling him he was never that good a singer anyway.

Day Thirty-One

Locked inside cryo-tube aboard ship called the Hunter-Gratzner. Ponder the logistics of how come only three people are needed to crew one of the largest ships in the fleet.

Day Fifty-Six

Cryo-sleep so boring.

Day Seventy-Nine

Playing I-Spy when blindfolded not particularly exciting.

Day 123

Had dream where was playing tonsil hockey with gorgeous blonde but when I looked at her she turned out to be Johns wearing wig, basque and suspenders.

Bit in mouth all that prevents me from screaming till I'm hoarse.

Day 155

Still too scared to sleep.

Day 177

Why does no one bother to shower before long journeys anymore? Damn these people stink.

Day 181

Should the ship be shaking like that?


My head hurts. Ship appears to have landed, although not in the usual manner. I seem to have been thrown from my tube and am now trapped in what remains of the ceiling. At least bit has fallen out of mouth so can call for help.

Calls for help go unanswered so have to try and untangle myself. Thankfully, fall broken by something soft.

Something soft turned out to be Johns’ head. Received another beating from billy-club and Johns telling me that ‘you have to go at some point’. Told Johns that ‘camel skin’ is not a metaphor.

Have requested to be gagged again to prevent further incident.

Being chained up so boring. Will try playing I-Spy again.

Day 181 – still


Left mouthpiece in direction of sunset so that Johns will think I’ve gone in direction of sunrise, but have really gone in direction of sunset. I’m so clever!

Damn landscape. Everything looks the same. I’m so stupid.

Am now playing hide and seek with Johns, a blonde woman and some Arab man with a glazed smile. Brief moment of panic when got trapped beneath giant rib cage and Johns and blonde woman appeared. Thankfully, woman had her back to me and Johns so doped up am surprised he can see to put one foot in front of other.

Blonde woman quite hot and has good sense of humour. Still haven’t practiced chat up lines though.

Managed to get back to crash site without being detected. Watched in amusement as fight broke out between remaining survivors over who got to play with welding torch. Brunette woman and young girl won the tussle and dark man went off in huff to dig hole. Skinny white man rolled up cigarette and did nothing.

Nearly ruptured something laughing when dark guy shot another survivor, presumably by mistake.

Decided to practice chat up lines on cone shape formations. Two shattered and another crumbled to dust maybe due to poor quality of lines or bad breath. Use bone shard swiped from animal skeletons to try and check if breath smells but am startled by brunette woman screaming. Is breath really that bad? Decide to quickly run away in hope she may mistake me for skinny white man.

Damn rocks. They always make me trip over. Nope, not free anymore.

Found out blonde woman is called Fry. Think she fancies me if innuendos about ‘holes’ and asking me to look at her underwear anything to go by. Tried to ask girl called Jack if she could find out for me but prevented by Fry reappearing and dragging her away.

Johns no longer speaking to me since I told him I went when I was in the sand dunes and there was nothing there. Was a lie of course but worth it.

Day 182



Have been told by Johns if I make sure no one gets eaten by local wildlife, he will not take me back to slam. Have a feeling it’s really because he doesn’t believe what I said earlier and thinks exercise will help. At least it’ll give me a chance to try out chat up lines for real.

Have also been told girl called Jack really a boy. Still waiting for punch line.

Complimented skinny white man called Paris on the Shiraz and asked if it was an early ’67 vintage from the Loire region. Paris stuttered nervously and ran away.

One of party went missing when wasn’t watching. Worried Johns may revoke offer of freedom and chain me up again. Relieved to discover it was only an interchangeable Arab boy.

Discovery of orrery triggered wide spread panic. Had to explain to them that green dinosaur not really part of system model and therefore unlikely to be swallowing planet in near future. Catch sight of Jack watching from doorway, snickering.

At last! Opportunity arisen to corner Fry alone and dazzle with newly reformed chat up lines.

Seduction unsuccessful. When got close up to Fry had flashback to dream which made mind go blank. Found myself using old chat up lines which did not go down well. Tried to tell myself she wasn’t really Johns but in the end had to leave.

Had discussion with Jack about triple star systems, planetary formation and ecology, and the theoretic impossibility of this world’s existence.

Both came to conclusion the others couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.

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