saga/title/fandom:The Private and Personal Journal of Carolyn Fry


rating/genre:(PG-13) - Gen/Het

warnings: Dubious Content, Adult Humor

summary: The title says it all.

comments/disclaimers: Pitch Black et al are not mine. The idea comes from repetitive readings of the genius that are The Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire, based on Lord of the Rings. I do not apologise for my sorry attempts at humour, but feel free to lynch at will.

Day One

Had argument with Owens over how only three people can run one of the largest ships in the fleet. Got bored during his explanation of the infallibility of company regulations and fell asleep.

Owens is a stuck-up prick.

Day Two

Tried to pack for journey on H-G but found all my bras had disappeared.

Not just bras. Can't find any of my underwear. Complained to the hotel desk manager but have feeling he wasn't taking me seriously. All I have to wear is my uniform. I'll just have to wait til I get to New Mecca to buy some more clothes.

Owens unusually comforting about the whole thing and told me a similar thing happened to him once. Turned out was a mix up in the laundry room and he ended up with two coasters, a turkey baster, and a set of steak knives.

Maybe Owens not so bad after all.

Day Three

Boarded H-G. Turns out we got a celeb on the ship. Didn't get a glimpse of him though, he was chained up in a secured chamber and watched over by a slightly obsessed looking blonde guy.

Cryo-sleep so boring.

Day 153

Strange dream of house elves chasing me with a knickers on their heads broken by alarm. Watch elves shoot the Captain's chamber with a pea-shooter.

Captain wasn't shot by elves but is still very much dead. During the confusion, Owens takes the opportunity to jump me but I manage to fend him off.

Ship appears to have been attacked by a giant star goat. Owens insists we've sailed into a meteor storm. Owens has no sense of humour.

Computer has selected some nameless planet in the middle of nowhere for us to land on. Owens' faith in the company waivers slightly as view screens show the rapidly approaching ground. Asks me if I'm trained to handle this. Explain kindly that ship entering atmosphere at a non-regulation angle i.e - arse over tit.

Figured out way to stop the crash landing. It involves dumping half the ship with the idea the sudden weight release will catapult some life back into the engines. Owens is against murdering the cargo. Apparently it's against company procedure.

Explained nicely that they were all asleep and would be unaware of what was happening. Us, on the other hand, would be very much aware as we plunge to our painful, firey deaths.

Owens gets insistent and throws a spanner in the works - literally. Owens is an arse.

Tried to land ship but ground got in the way.

Still Day 153

Digging through rubble both tedious and sweat inducing. Apparently we're searching for survivors but I'll just be glad for some wet wipes.

Found Owens with a metal rod sticking out of his chest. Poetic justice, if you ask me. No anestaphine, so had to make do with swiping a packet of jelly beans off one of the kids and feeding them to Owens til his brain imploded from sugar high.

Surveyed trail of crash debris. Dumping passenger hold a moot point, really.

Surveyed surviving passengers. Darwin's survival of the fittest theory ultimately flawed.

Managed a quick glimpse of Riddick. Couldn't get near him for Johns blocking my way. Asked him if Riddick was really that dangerous. "Only around humans," he told me, "And squirrels, and alligators, and... well... anything with a pulse really."

Found a hook I'm convinced came from one of my bra's. Try to enlist Johns' detective skills to help search for phantom underwear thief but unable to drag him away from staring at Riddick. Uncovered alchohol stash of an antiques dealer named Paris finally lures him in.

Haven't found underwear, but Riddick has escaped. Have a feeling Johns not happy with me.

Decision to go looking for water is met with mixed opinion in light of current escapee status. Johns looks positively ecstatic at the thought of tracking Riddick down again, and even the holy man Imam looks thrilled.

The three Arab boys randomly throw rocks and startle Johns who almost shoots them. Don't know what his excuse was where I was concerned. Obviously hasn't got over the underwear hunt.

Huge carcasses of dead things enthrall the boys inc. Johns. Found Imam hunched over a scorched bone looking mournful.

Is everyone on this planet crazy except for me?

Try to make up with Johns by telling him a few jokes. "Did you hear the one about the docking pilot who nearly killed everyone in their sleep?" was met with silence. Alcohol may possibly have gone to my head.

Interchangeable Arab boy finds Lost in Space robot and runs off to look for other action figures. Found pretty glass ball collection on metal sticks but no shops. Settlers obviously had their priorities mixed up.

Stubbed toe on large metal object. Turned out to be a ship. Considered possibility it was an alien craft as couldn't read markings on the door. Turned out it was just covered in sand.

Johns suddenly friendly when I explain how we can escape of this damn rock. "What, all of us?" was his response. Not sure what he meant by that. Obviously disturbed by my quizzical look because he suddenly ran away.

Day 154, maybe

Plus side- Riddick recaptured. Minus side- Zeke missing presumed dead.

Riddick chained up inside ship wreckage again. Johns not watching him now, instead is skulking around looking annoyed. My joke about a lover's tiff was met with silence.

No one wanted to question Riddick about what happened to Zeke. A boy, not apparently part of Imam's brood, called Jack seemed willing but decided Riddick probably not a good influence. In the end drew straws and I won.

Wonder if his shiny eyes had x-ray vision. Suddenly feel naked due to lack of underwear. Felt even more naked after suggestive 'look deeper' comments. Swear he'd accompany them with hand gestures if he wasn't chained up.

No volunteers for crawling down the hole, big surprise. Except Jack, big surprise. Straws drawn and I win again. Have a feeling karma is biting me on the arse.

It's not the only thing biting me on the arse. Trip down hole quickly establishes two things: 1- Zeke dead. 2- local wildlife not dead.

Decision to use Riddick as work horse met with mixed emotions. Shazza still upset, but sight of Riddick carrying power cell may have changed that. First time I've seen Johns smile since the crash. May ask Riddick to help look for underwear.

A bit dubious about drinking water taken from an old well on an alien planet. They should at least have boiled it first. Try to raise the matter of resident toxins when youngest boy declared missing. My suggestion that there are two more of them anyway, so why the panic?, is ignored. Boy eventually found dead, presumed eaten.

Turns out the glass ball collection is an orrery. Maybe would have known that if I had paid attention to Owens once in a while but he could bore holes into rock. Something about an eclipse is making everyone antsy. Everyone now in big hurry to leave this place. Join the club, people.

Had argument with Johns about power cells, although what he knows about star ships could be written on a matchbook. He's looking decidedly worse for wear which again makes me question the water. I raise subject about wanting to get off this rock and he runs away again, probably to look for Riddick.

Riddick found me instead. Performing system check on skiff not easy when someone is blowing in your ear and muttering the worst chat up lines ever heard outside a 16-18 disco. Seemed disappointed that offers of schnapps and blood were turned down. Vampirism is so last year. Mutters something about Johns as he leaves but am distracted by flashing coloured lights on the dashboard. Skiff definitely functioning, just need now the rest of the cells. Where is Johns?

Found Johns in one of the cabins. It was... educational. I had no idea you could stick needles there.

Got very mad at him for not going back to get the rest of the cells. His slurring made it difficult to make out what he was saying, although I think he called me a 'Honky Tonk Woman' whatever that is. Then he tried to molest me, but I told him I'm not Riddick and prepared to knee him in the groin.

Arrival of remaining Arab kids distracted him and I managed to extricate myself before they saw anything.

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