saga/title/fandom:The Private and Personal Journal of Sharon Montgomery

author:BlueEyedDevil

rating/genre:(PG-13) - Gen/Het

warnings: Dubious Content, Adult Humor

summary: The title says it all.

comments/disclaimers: Pitch Black et al are not mine. The idea comes from repetitive readings of the genius that are The Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire, based on Lord of the Rings. I do not apologise for my sorry attempts at humour, but feel free to lynch at will.

This goes out to all the lovely people whose comments on these journals have encouraged and inspired me to keep writing them.

Day One

Parole conditions state that I need to have thrice weekly sessions with a therapist. Although I don't see a problem, the Judge feels attacking someone with a welding torch is not rational behaviour. I told him it is if they're going to nick your parking space. He said that the ambulance had right of way as it was attending to an emergency.

Judge obviously does not appreciate that a Jaguar X3000 convertible always has right of way.

Day Four

Therapist comments that I appear to have issues with authority and being told what to do. I tell him he's talking out his arse.

On the way out he tells me to mind the step. I tell him to mind his own...

Dammit!

Day Five

Daddy no longer interested in giving me the money to open a nail bar due to amount spent buying off the jury. I tell him about my plans to expand it into an Indian head massage centre. Daddy says it'd be like throwing a lit match to a bankroll.

Daddy obviously underestimates the beauty needs of Outback women.

Day Nine

Hooked up with pool man in a bid to convince daddy to give me the money. It might work; he is hairy and scary enough. The pool man, that is, not daddy. Although...

Day Ten

Present Zeke to daddy as my new boyfriend. He tells me under no circumstances marry him.

Dammit!

Day Fifteen

May possibly have violated parole conditions by pushing therapist out of window. We were only one storey up, and he just broke his ankle, but still.

Daddy now not happy at all and I face recall to secure women's facility. Have decided to jump planet with new husband in tow to evade capture. Zeke has so far proved very useful for practical work type things, and seems to take it for granted that I actually know how to use a welding torch. Our definition of the word 'use' differ greatly.

Day Eighteen

Ran into harassed looking pilot and frustrated looking navigator, aboard docking station. See opportunity to offer head massage.

Owens may possibly have got the wrong idea.

Day Nineteen

Found potential investor for nail bar. The captain of the Hunter-Gratzner very enthusiastic about testing out my manicure techniques for his wife, apparently. As she doesn't travel with him, I'm to practice on him and he'll pass on the results.

Day 169?

Well, would you believe it? My investor's only just gone and died on me, before I could get any money out of him. Just my luck. The ship crashed, too.

Almost torched a young boy called Jack. Thankfully he didn't notice, he was just glad to be out the tin can. Ponder possibility of Fry wanting to contribute to the nail bar fund. Decide to sweet talk her by complimenting her landing technique. No one is fooled.

Zeke such a girl. Keeps complaining about dust allergies and not being able to breathe. He's even taken my nail dryer apart to make some kind of snorkel. Although why he'd need one, being in a desert, I don't know.

Cop called Johns not complaining. He looks very manly with his uniform and handcuff collection. Shame about the nails, though. Absolutely disgusting. Go to ask him 'would you like a manicure', but it comes out 'would you like to spank me'. Thankfully, Riddick chooses that moment to escape, so may have got away with it.

Sort through Paris' junk in search of weapons and pick up a strange looking scythe. Ask Paris what it is, and he tells me it's a Lorien tree axe. Zeke only perks up when he gets handed a gun. I perk up at prospect of going Riddick hunting with Johns. Zeke looks annoyed, although I'm beginning to think that's his normal facial expression. He tells me to go off with the ginger-minger, he doesn't want me around anyway.

Sigh. Can't fight instinct.

Day Who Bloody Cares

How dare he criticize my soldering? Like he could do better; he can't even dig a hole without crying like a child. Strange red haze envelopes me and I have flashbacks to the ambulance attack. Am prevented from doing him permanent damage by Jack, more's the pity.

Resume putting the ship back together. The mix is playing havoc with my pores. Zeke had better hurry up with that water-hole, I really do need a bath.

There's a strange smell around here. Ask Jack if he's farted. He looks insulted at the accusation. Paris bursts in with a garbled message about Stormtroopers. Refrain from slapping him, as Riddick arrives! Johns would be so impressed if I caught him. He may even let me have a go with his 'cuffs.

It's pathetic, it really is. Like some kind of testosterone fueled machismo contest. Anyone can see Johns' is bigger. His gun, that is, although...

I'm never gonna get the blood out of my hair. Consider washing it with Paris' booze, but don't want to risk turning into a flaming torch.

Gunshots! No! I wanted to be the one to get him. I chase after Zeke; he's just doing this to spite me.

Ha! Zeke fell down hole, leaving Riddick to me. Manage to stick the boot in, to show Johns my support, but get restrained by Fry. She obviously has her eye on him. With that grease face? I think not.

Zeke is dead. Or at least missing a leg. Just an excuse for Fry to through herself at Johns, if you ask me. I say they should have just let her go.

Finally leaving dumpsite. Yay!

Still Not Caring

Fry tries to dazzle Johns with her oh so special skiff knowledge. I score brownie points when I tell him I can get the sandcat working. It's got wheels, so not much different to a Jaguar. Johns obviously not interested in Fry as he's starting to look green about the gills when he's around her. I would too, looking at hair like that.

Finally get the damn thing working, and go off to tell Johns the good news.

Honestly, that woman has no shame! She just mauls the poor guy, not caring who sees her. Feel red mist rising, but am distracted by sudden arrival of a giant ringed planet. I knew I should have been paying attention to the talk about that orrery.

Sandcat not much like a Jaguar, really; the handling's a bitch. Think I almost took Johns' head off. Pity, I was aiming for Fry.

Completely forget to fix battery pack to sandcat, so tell everyone it's only solar-powered. Was quite taken with sight of sweaty Johns carrying power cell that I don't notice everyone legging it for the ship due to bat attack. Riddick trips me up on the way, probably to get back at me for booting him.

Everybody tells me to stay down.

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