saga/title/fandom: The Ten Minute Review (Pitch Black)

author: Novafry

rating/genre:(PG) - comedy

warnings:some language and adult situations

summary:Don't have two hours to sit through the movie Pitch Black all over again? Read novafry's ten-minute review instead. All it takes is ten minutes!

comments/disclaimers:Novafry doesn't own the characters in this story and as far as I know she hasn't made any profit from this story so please don't sue her.

RIDDICK: (voice over) I am not a human being. I am an animal.

OWENS: What's up?
FRY: We're lost in space, some little rocks have killed the Captain, we're leaking air, we're going to crash on a menacing barren planet, I had to dump the cargo and now I have to dump the passengers.
OWENS: Don't touch that handle!
FRY: I won't die for them! Ooops, it's stuck. [Crash!]
OWENS: Ouch, that hurt.

SHAZZA: Nice flying, Fry.
PARIS: A little bumpy on the landing.

FRY: Who's the chained-up dude with the sexy bod?
JOHNS: Don't mess with him, he's mine.

SHAZZA: Okay, there's no water, no air, no supplies…
IMAM: …but three suns! What good fortune.

RIDDICK: [crack, crack] Piece of cake.

JOHNS: Badass is loose!
FRY: He went thataway.
JOHNS: No, he wants us to think he went thataway but he really went thisaway.
FRY: Maybe he knows we'll think he wants us to think he went thisaway, so he really went thataway.
JOHNS: Or maybe he knows we'll know he knows we'll think he went thisaway…
EVERYONE: Shut up!!

ZEKE: Call this stick a weapon?
PARIS: Nobody touch my booze!

JOHNS: I see trees! Trees mean water.
IMAM: Can't you tell the difference between trees and the bony branch-like protrusions of skeletal dinosaur vertebrae?

FRY: I have a confession to make - I tried to dump the passengers.
JOHNS: Nobody's perfect. Let's drink.
RIDDICK: [snip] [sniff] Mmm, nice...

ZEKE: [bang!] Ooops. Wrong badass.

ZEKE: Helloooo in there...?
CREATURES: Munch, munch, munch.
SHAZZA: Oh my god, they killed Zeke!

JOHNS: Gotcha!
RIDDICK: Darn it.

FRY: G'day. What's this I hear about your x-ray vision?
RIDDICK: All the better to see you with, my dear.
JACK: Cool!
RIDDICK: Cute kid. Reminds me of my niece - er - nephew.
FRY: Jack, go play with your AstroBarbie or something.
RIDDICK: You have no idea what that Aussie accent is doing to me.
FRY: Hey, I'm trying to be a non-descript American.
RIDDICK: If you say so.
FRY: So are you fair dinkum as evil as they say?
RIDDICK: Yeah, but now I have competition... check out that hole where Zeke disappeared.
FRY: No worries, mate.

FRY: Oooh, it's scary down here. Hey, Zeke left his feet behind.

JOHNS: The chains are getting the ladies a bit hot and bothered, so if I set you loose will you be a good boy?
RIDDICK: Uh, yeah, sure.
JOHNS: Scout's honour?
RIDDICK: Uh, yeah, sure.
JOHNS: Okay, so put the gun down and let's all try and get along.

PARIS: Nobody touch my booze! Oh, here, would you like some crackers with that, Mr Riddick?

JACK: What, no Pepsi?

CREATURES: Munch, munch, munch.
IMAM: Oh my god, they killed Ali!

JOHNS: They seem to like the dark.
IMAM: Well, it's about to get very dark.
FRY: No worries, I found an emergency skiff.
JOHNS: Riddick can fly.
FRY: That's useful!
JOHNS: No, silly. We'll have to leave him behind.

JOHNS: I said no shivs.
RIDDICK: Gotta look nice for the ladies.

RIDDICK: Mmm, you smell good.
FRY: What's your point?
RIDDICK: Is Johns going to leave me behind?
FRY: Beats me.
RIDDICK: You've got it all wrong. He's the bad guy and I'm the good guy.
FRY: Go away, you're arousing... I mean, distracting me.

FRY: Is that morphine in your eye or are you just a total loser anyway?
JOHNS: Uhhhh ggu yeeaahh uhmmmm...?

SHAZZA: All aboard!
PARIS: Ah, Mr Riddick. Do take my seat.

JACK: Come see the cool eclipse FX! They cost $40,000 per frame.
FRY: You think those swarms of evil-looking pterydactyl things are dangerous?
RIDDICK: Only around humans.
CREATURES: Munch, munch, munch.
JACK: Oh my god, they killed Shazza!

PARIS: Quick, let's hide in here!
PARIS: On second thought, let's not hide in here.
CREATURES: Munch, munch, munch.
IMAM: Oh my god, they killed Hassan!

FRY: We have to get back to the skiff.
JOHNS: With those things running around? You can count me out. (Ooops, wrong movie, novafry.)
FRY: Scaredy-cat.
JOHNS: Bitch.
RIDDICK: Hey, be nice to the lady.
JOHNS: Or what?
RIDDICK: Or my personal grooming appliance, which is currently three millimetres from your balls, might accidentally slip.
JOHNS: Let's get back to the skiff! Great idea!

PARIS: Oooh, it's scary out here.
CREATURES: Munch, munch, munch.
EVERYONE: Oh thank god, they killed Paris!

JACK: Are we there yet?
FRY: Hey, we're going in circles!
RIDDICK: Damn, I thought no one would notice.
FRY: Maybe we should head back.
JOHNS: Scaredy-cat.
FRY: Dope-head.
RIDDICK: Stop squabbling. And by the way, Jack is a girl.
JACK: Damn, I thought no one would notice.

JOHNS: Let's kill the girl. Sound like a good idea to you?
RIDDICK: I've got a better idea.
JOHNS: Ouch! rrrrip! gurgle...
JACK: Oh my god, they killed Johns!
RIDDICK: When is everyone going to realise that I'm the good guy here?

IMAM: Let us pray.
RIDDICK: My mommy left me in the trash and I've had a shitty life, so me and God don't get along too well.
IMAM: Let me share with you the inspirational story of a sucker named Job...

JACK: Are we there yet?
FRY: Looks like rain.
IMAM: At least things can't get any worse.
CREATURES: Munch, munch, munch.
IMAM: Oh my god, they killed Suleiman!

JACK: Are we there yet?
CREATURE: Munch, munch... ouch!
RIDDICK: Next time pick on someone your own size.
JACK: My hero!

FRY: Are we there yet?
RIDDICK: Hide here and don't ask questions.
JACK: Uh, we're in here, he's out there. What's wrong with this picture?
FRY: Grrrr... just wait till I get my hands on him...

RIDDICK: Carolyn! Good to see you again. Hop in.
FRY: I've changed my mind. I've decided to die for them.
RIDDICK: Guess I was wrong about those strong survival instincts.
FRY: Just get off me, you big beast!
RIDDICK: Why? We're both enjoying this...
FRY: We have to go back!
FRY: I have to redeem myself!
RIDDICK: Okay, I can relate to that. Wanna quickie first?
FRY: Go for it, mate.

[19 minutes and 7 seconds censored to avoid prohibitive rating]

FRY: I bet that'll end up on the cutting room floor.
RIDDICK: There's always the Director's Cut.

RIDDICK: We're baaaaack!
JACK: What took you so long?
FRY: No can tell. You're underage.

RIDDICK: Shall we dance?
CREATURE: Only if I can lead.

IMAM: Home, sweet home.
CREATURES: (off screen) Munch, munch...
RIDDICK: (off screen) [Biff! Bam! Biff! Biff! Pow!]
FRY: Oh my god, they're killing Riddick!
RIDDICK: (falling into screen) thud]

FRY: You may be the sexiest thing since that full-monty Vin Diesel centrefold in the classic January 2002 edition of Cosmopolitan...
RIDDICK: Vin who?
FRY: ...but I said I'd die for them, not for you. Ouch!
FRY: wheeeeeee!
RIDDICK: Not for me. Not... for... me...

JACK: Let's get outta here.
RIDDICK: This one's for Carolyn. [Whooosh!]
CREATURES: Oh my god, they killed Scarface! And Flathead! And Angelwings! And Evilclaw! And Gaptooth! And Fatso! And poor old Grandma Skunkeye who never hurt a fly in all her days and nights on this godforsaken planet!

IMAM: How was that for a life-changing experience, Mr Riddick?
RIDDICK: You're right. I'm turning over a new leaf.
JACK: Cool, can I have your badass shiv? Will you teach me how to use it? What was that you said about the sweet spot? Does human blood really taste like copper? Can girls be evil badass murderers too? Am I too young to drink schnapps? This music rocks! Can we look up that doc in the slam and get me a shine job...?

TWOHY: Guess I should get to work on that Director's Cut.


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