saga/title/fandom:The Private and Personal Journal of Jacquelyn Brady Badd


rating/genre:(PG-13) - Gen/Het

warnings: Dubious Content, Adult Humor

summary: The title says it all.

comments/disclaimers: Pitch Black et al are not mine. The idea comes from repetitive readings of the genius that are The Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire, based on Lord of the Rings. I do not apologise for my sorry attempts at humour, but feel free to lynch at will.

Day One

Decision to take gap year between doctorates not received well by University board. Even less impressed by plans to go travelling round the galaxy. They tell me that hitchhiking is not the best of travel arrangements for fourteen-year-old girls. Tell them everything'll be okay because I've got my towel.

University board has no sense of humour.

Day Seven

Finally on my way despite of best efforts from combined faculty members to prevent my departure. You don't get to be the youngest graduate in five sectors without learning a thing or two.

Have decided to take the back routes as can't be sure whether Uni will issue an APB on me. I want to see something at least before I get my arse hauled back to school.

Skinny man tried to molest me or pickpocket me, can't be sure which. A knee in the bollocks quickly put a stop to that.

Snuck on to transport called the Hunter-Gratzner. Ponder momentarily on logistics of only three crew manning such a large ship. Still, it looks safe enough so I should be fine.

Day 157

I was wrong.

After surveying crash debris, am vaguely impressed with pilot Fry for having at least got some of us landed safely. Change mind almost immediately when realise that said landing has resulted in no workable craft left intact. And the fact she swiped my last packet of jellybeans.

Manage to convince three Arab boys and some guy called Paris that, if they gather up every single piece of ship wreckage, we'd be able to glue it all back together again. Brings tears to the eyes watching them scrabble about in the sand.

Everybody arguing over what to do for water. Covered this in first year of Master's degree so try to explain variety of procedures we could follow. Have a feeling everybody is ignoring me. Probably due to crate of booze that's just been discovered in remains of cargo hold.

Crate belongs to Paris who is, apparently, an antiques dealer. Have strange feeling that his knowledge of antiquities is equal to his knowledge of ship repairs. He also looks slightly familiar.

Chained up killer Riddick no longer chained up. Cop called Johns is walking round, tearful. It's a shame to see a grown man cry like that. Have discussion over who's going to look for him and am surprised to see Imam enthusiastically volunteer.

Decide to stay back at crash site to use my engineering skills in helping recover anything useful from the wreckage. Find myself mediating argument between Zeke and Shazza. Tell them both to cool off then resume discussion later, so Zeke goes off for walk leaving Shazza behind with me.

Listen to Shazza moan about Zeke. Am pleased to be able to offer a friendly ear and only put off when I hear the words - 'but he's just so good in bed'. Thankfully, conversation ended by strange man getting his head blown apart.

Day 157, cont.

Zeke has gone. Shazza fears her screaming may have scared him away. Everyone else is alternating blame between Riddick and youngest Arab boy, who's run off crying.

Johns looks beyond ecstatic at having recaptured Riddick, at least, I assume it's down to recapturing Riddick. He's been chained up again and doesn't look too impressed. Well, neither would I if I had Johns staring at me like that.

Offer services as excavator to search in hole where Zeke is supposed to be but am ignored yet again.

Now very definite that Zeke has been killed by neither Riddick nor Ali. Feel sorry for Shazza and go to comfort her but everyone distracted by emergence of Riddick, unrestrained, from ship hold. Fry, Shazza and Paris trample others in bid to walk beside him but are viciously beaten back by Johns and his billy-club.

Have feeling people keep taking me for interchangeable Arab boy. This may be why no one appears to hear me when I talk. Have been called 'Ali' three times by Imam, 'Hussein' twice and 'Súcaliarwen' once.

Exploring buildings at settlement, find Hassan hunched over bottle of Paris' booze in stupor. Try to help sober him up before Imam finds him and he's sick all over me. This actually makes him feel better. Wish I could say the same for me. Manage to clean most of it off but my hair stinks and has bits of carrot stuck in it. The hat is doing nothing to hide it, I'm afraid it'll have to go. The hair that is, not the hat. The hat has plans.

Go off to find Riddick so can borrow one of his shivs to use but can't get near him for Johns. He's so far up Riddick's arse they're almost surgically attached. Needn't have worried about Imam after all. He's stalking Paris like he's ready to jump him. What is it about this place that makes everyone want to bone each other?

Saved by discovery of clippers amidst other junk in one of the buildings. Now look like plucked goose. Hair is overrated anyway.

Found pair of goggles. Now look like comic book idol 'Tank Girl'. Result! No weapons though. Will hunt for bits of metal to try hand at shiv making. Tried again to talk to Riddick but foiled by over-possessive Johns. Tempted to tell them two to get a room but am prevented by sudden consumption of Ali.

Everyone fails to be comforted by Johns telling them that - 'whatever those things were, they seem to stick to darkness, so if we stick to daylight we should be all right'. Well, it did take him five attempts to get it right. He kept getting the darkness and light thing mixed up. Mind you, he's so doped up I'm surprised he's still capable of coherent thought.

Day 158, technically

Recognise skiff model to be a 289-delta. Offer services to Fry in run up programming and systems check. Fry too busy tarting herself up to hear me so leave her to it. Almost faint with shock when finally see Johns detach himself willingly from Riddick for first times since crash.

Have feeling Johns doesn't like me.

Heard him humming 'Sympathy for the devil' and told him Guns 'n Roses are the greatest band ever. He seemed to twitch slightly as I said that. Decided to carry on anyway and say my current favourite song is Will Young's 'Light my fire'. Complete facial tic this time and he clutched shell box tightly and walked into nearby building without saying a word.

Wonder if all merc's are this uptight. Shall have to ask cousin Kyra when I next see her. She's going into police training cause she wants to be a merc. I think she's never gotten over receiving Princess Barbie when she was nine instead of Action Man. Still haven't told her she did get Action Man. I got the Barbie but swapped them.

Run into Riddick who's looking perturbed. Have interesting discussion with him about the pros and cons of a DIY shine job.

Both agree others have combined intelligence of a shoe.

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