saga/title/fandom: Personals (multi-universes)

author: Kaylee

rating/genre: (PG-13) - comedy

warnings: het/slash, adult humor

summary: Ever wonder what "personals" in the newspaper would sound like if written by superheroes and some of your favorite characters from tv and movies. (unusual pairings)

comments/disclaimers: All character/concepts belong to their respective owners/writers/etc. See how many YOU can get! Please note that two of the 'pairings' are NOT comic-related... Silly stuff. This is, I dunno, PG or something. All the bad language is edited. Have fun. Add your own. I had a zillion pairings I wanted to slip into this, but considering how long it went anyway... Archiving: Go 'head if you wanna. :) Comments to skaya@mindspring.com. Or wherever, so long as I see them. :) Enjoy!

Desperately Seeking Susan: I loved the pot roast. I was just distracted by the quantum flux of the spartanical subcortex of the robophoton-based sentience. Please, darling, come home. I haven't eaten all day.
--Stretch

Loverbird: All right, fine. We'll take a vacation. But just remember how stressful the LAST one was and don't try to say it'll be relaxing.
--Myopic

Featherhead: I miss your chirp. Set your sights on the second star to the left and come visit.
-- Feathernibbler

Dear Hot Wheels: Does green make me look fat? Honest opinion.
--Puff the Magic

Hey, Marlboro Man: This is the last f---ing time I'm doing your laundry. Your d-mn underwear walked ITSELF into the laundromat. My head still hurts from sniffing all that perfumed detergent crap, too. You want a domestic type of woman, I'll be glad to help you look. And now the g--d-mn dog's growling.
--Pissed Off

Wet-n-Wild: Anniversary soon. Meet me at Montauk Point? I've got Baby Bird watching the 'haven for the night, so we have lots of time for a slow...and thorough...reunion.
--Capeless Wonder

Stretch: I spent two hours making that pot roast. Next time I'll club you over the head with it instead of putting it on a plate. Maybe you'll pay more attention.
--Susan

Blondie: Ditch the team for a day and come help me learn more about plate tectonics. I promise that the world will move.
--SunKist

You Stupid Git: You weren't supposed to LEAVE. Do I get mad when you look at all the spandex-covered female posteriors around here? Put down the scotch and pick up the phone.
--Cheshire

Featherbrain: If you ever call yourself 'Feathernibbler' in a public forum again, I'll have you beheaded. Be ready for dinner Tuesday night at seven. Wear the cloak.
-- Featherhead

Myopic: No, forget it. If you don't want a vacation, we don't have to take a vacation. Go back to being preoccupied. I don't mind.
--Loverbird

Desperately Seeking Susan: I extend my deepest, most heartfelt apologies. The roast really was fantastic. I could tell you spent two hours preparing it. Please come home now. I haven't eaten in three days.
--Stretch

N'awlins: Bed's cold. Strangely enough, that bothers me. Hurry back and melt the ice.
--Chiller

Star-breaker: Almost done with things here. How's your end? I need to feel some aftershocks. See you soon.
--Shake-n-Bake

Stretch: I lied. I spent THREE hours on that d-mn roast, not two. You thought I only spent TWO? Go back to your lab and try to make some manna fall from the sky.
--Susan

Loverbird: You really don't mind? You're amazing. I love you.
--Myopic

SunKist: I'm trying to duck out, but this big meaty thing with a cannon keeps getting in my way and talking about responsibility and obligation and all those things everyone ELSE in your family considers holy writ. Like taking an afternoon off is gonna cause the end of the world. I think he's got somewhere to be, though, so I'll get there as soon as I can. Buy Oreos. Lots of Oreos.
--Blondie

Featherhead: Ready and waiting, snookums. The royal purple cloak or the blue one with the tassels?
-- Featherpillow

Capeless Wonder: Of course I'll be there. You, the ocean, not a single redheaded annoyance anywhere within hearing range...ah, yes. And people say you don't know how to relax...
--Wet-n-Wild

Cheshire: It was whiskey. And considering the fact that your pals over there told me they'd decapitate me and do bloody horrible things to my head if I hurt you, I'm not in any rush to call. Come find me. Wear spandex. Don't mention any arse that isn't attached to you or me. Mostly me. My ego needs soothing.
--Stupid Git

Beefcake: I'm sorry for making the joke about the size of a man's toys and overcompensation, but you were REALLY asking for it. My old uniform still fits just FINE, thank you. It's SUPPOSED to look snug. So you're a jack-ss and I'm a b-tch. Pef. Let's move on.
--Dame Fortune

Lawyer Con: I'm really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really sorry. Really. You can break MY arms, if you want. I love you.
--Lovable Thug

Pissed Off: Jesus Christ, woman, I didn't MAKE you do my laundry. I just said it'd be nice if I didn't have to do it once in a while. Get over it. And feed the d-mn dog.
--Marlboro Man

Julio: It took me some time to realize that the message from 'Shake-n-Bake' was from you. I'm still unsure what you meant by needing 'aftershocks.' Is this some local custom I am unaware of? Please clarify.
--Gaveedra

Dear Egyptian Darwin: Your butt is of the Strong. What's your secret? 'Buns of Steel'? Take me to bed or lose me forever.
--Your Secret Admirer

Desperately Seeking Susan: Did I say two hours? I meant FOUR. It was a typo, dear, that's all. FOUR hours you spent on that wonderful, delicious, incomparable roast. The atomic weight of barbarostic radiatol has NOTHING on that roast. The pure fascination I feel when I think of it defies description. I beg you, come back. I believe I'm a little delirious. The manna-thing didn't work. I tried to use pi to solve an equation this morning and started seeing it as PIE instead, and I think I would have eaten it if I'd had any whipped cream. Come home, please please please. I haven't eaten in five days.
--Stretch

Myopic: How the hell is your genetic line still alive? Don't be looking to procreate any more, buddy. Tall, Pale and Gruesome will have to find a new bloodline to carry 'the destiny of the human race,' because YOU are getting no more nookie EVER.
--Loverbird

Dame Fortune: It's not funny. All the other mercenaries at the meet were laughing at me. Do you have any idea how fl--qing humiliating it is to have WADE WILSON laughing at you? And don't even say it. I am NOT sulking. What the hell is a 'pef'?
--Beefcake

Sunshine: We have GOT to get you a better nickname. Meet me at the harbor. Don't forget to pack your swimsuit.
--Not A Batman Ripoff

Sunshine: Actually, on second thought, DO forget the swimsuit...
--Not A Batman Ripoff

Secret Admirer: My butt is the pinnacle of homo sapien superior's evolution. I don't NEED 'Buns of Steel' like lesser creatures do. I haven't had sex in thousands of years. Why should I bother with you? And for the record, I predate Darwin by millennia.
-- Egyptian

Featherbrain: This is a formal event, so wear the pink cloak with the sequined border. A toupee wouldn't hurt either. And don't call yourself 'Featherpillow' where people can see. It's demeaning.
--Featherhead

Stretch: Call 1(800)PIZZA-GO. You want a large pepperoni and mushroom with a hand-tossed crust, a two-liter Diet Pepsi, a side order of breadsticks with garlic marinara sauce, and some parmesan cheese and red pepper packets. They'll have it to you in less than an hour. I'm not coming back until you compliment the mashed potatoes and gravy, too.
--Susan

To Whom It May Concern: I never said 'the destiny of the human race.' I said 'the destiny of mutantkind.' Please do not misquote me.
--Tall, Pale and Gruesome

Marlboro Man: You're an a--hole. I have NO idea why I sleep with you. Get your a-- back here and remind me. The dog barks at midnight.
--Pissed Off

To Puff the Magic: Green only makes you look fat when you've been eating too much Italian. Do a few situps and you can still wear it just fine.
--Hot Wheels

Dear Not A Batman Ripoff: Do I even OWN a swimsuit? I don't remember.
--Sunshine

Loverbird: You're a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in the form of a woman transcendent. I dare not attempt to decipher the meaning of your words beyond surface clarity because I fear that, should I do so, I will become lost in the bottomless depths that embody the vital and precious essence of YOU. I humbly beg your forgiveness. With utmost sincerity I offer my repentance and ask that you do not deprive me of your presence or your smile or your captivating eyes.
--Myopic

Loverbird: Or nookie.
--Myopic

Blondie: I hear that the big cannon-bearing meaty thing is off sulking. Take the opportunity! Make your escape! I'll cover you! And never fear; I stocked up on Oreos after last time. All I need now is someone to feed them to me...
--Sunkist

Star-breaker: Man, sometimes I worry about you... These are personals, okay? Like private messages sent through a public medium, right? Think of it like Top Secret Encoded Stuff. Use your imagination. I'll give you a hint about 'aftershocks'; they follow right after a BIG rumble and involve a lot of shaking and gasping. Remember New Mexico?
--Shake-n-Bake

Chiller: Saw a postcard that reminded me of you. It's Frosty the Snowman sitting on a beach wearing sunglasses and headphones. I never noticed before how sexy Frosty is... Keep that bed warm. I've just got to reallocate some assets for this gentleman, then I'm all yours.
--N'awlins

Egyptian Darwin: I know you predate him, darling, but he's written more books. See, that's the problem, and that's where I come in. Your public relations department just SUCKS. What do I offer? The second best butt on the planet and some MUCH NEEDED comic relief. We need to get you in the public eye, man. Get a book on the Best Sellers list, visit some talk shows, guest-star on Babewatch. Let me give your image a makeover and you'll be ruling the planet before you can say Cable Nathan Christopher Dayspring Summers Askanii Beefcake Chosen One Psimitar-Wielding Leader of the Great Rebellion One-Armed One-Eyed Flying Purple People Eater. Hey, speaking of him, did you hear he's sulking?
--Your Secret Admirer

Desperately Seeking Susan: I don't have any cash. Do they take checks? The mashed potatoes and gravy were BEYOND delicious. No one in the world ever made better. How long did you work on them? Five hours? Tasted like five hours, at LEAST. You're a queen among women, honey, really you are. I'm lucky to have married you. Any chance you'll be home soon? I haven't eaten in seven days.
--Stretch

Lovable Thug: You're 'really sorry'? Why didn't you SAY so! If I'd known THAT I never would've plotted out my extensive and elaborate revenge! Too late now, though. You know what they say about wheels in motion and all that...
--Lawyer Con

Myopic: Don't even pretend you wrote that eloquent entry. Baby Boy Blue wrote that for you. I can TELL these things. So, considering that, I've decided that I'm getting a Hawaiian vacation or a divorce. Your call. Choose wisely. I have a celestial avatar and I'm not afraid to use it.
--Loverbird

Julio: Encoded messages? I see. What is the purpose of sending them through a public venue such as this 'personals' section? Please clarify 'aftershocks' further; what you described could fit any number of scenarios. I don't remember any earthquakes while we were in New Mexico, and I'm certain they would have made an impression had they occurred. At the very least they would have interrupted all the sex. I do not like these metaphors.
--Gaveedra

Beefcake: Wade laughs at Roseanne. Don't take it personally. 'Pef' is 'Previously Established Fact.' Clever, isn't it? Come back with presents and I'll testify publicly that your toys are NOT overcompensation. But they'd better be GOOD presents. No more pouting.
--Dame Fortune

Foxy Man: The Truth isn't really Out There. That's just a lie they started so they could watch you run the maze for a while. You hear me? THERE IS NO CHEESE. It's all a conspiracy started by a secret agency called Section One, the most covert antiterrorist group on the planet. Their ends are just, but their means are ruthless. If I don't play by their rules... Sh-t, I got Peta's script again. Hang on, let me backtrack... Okay, here we go! The real agenda is to study the effects of paranoia and obsession on a relatively cute (if not classically handsome) thirty- something FBI-agent with no upward mobility left in his career. Sucks, doesn't it? Don't worry, though; I still find you oddly sexy.
--Cuddly Russkie

Pissed Off: You sleep with me because I'm a god of virility and I can cook a hell of a lot better than you can. What's the fallout look like if the dog goes ballistic? There's carpet stain remover in the Serbian cabinet. Need some help scrubbing? I was kinda hoping I'd get to go beat out the Egyptian rug with the other guys...
--Marlboro Man

Featherhead: I haven't had the opportunity to tell you before, but...I really, really dislike the pink cloak with the sequins. By the standards of my culture, it's... garish and tawdry. Can't I please wear the royal purple? I'll put on the feathered toupee if you say yes.
--Featherduster

Secret Admirer: Your offer is intriguing. A little test: I'm currently somewhere in the middle of the Sahara, far from the weak stench of human habitation. If you can find me, I may allow you to live. Particularly if you can get me on Oprah. I've heard that if OPRAH likes your book it will outsell the bible. Is this true? There is no doubt; Oprah is of the Strong.
--Egyptian

Secret Admirer: And I heard he was 'pouting.'
--Egyptian

Loverbird: In an amazing coincidence, immediately after you mentioned 'Hawaii' I found an unmarked envelope in the mailbox holding two plane tickets to Maui made out in our names. Isn't that remarkable? It wouldn't make sense to let these go to waste...
-- Myopic

Stretch: Your glowing praise for my mashed potatoes and gravy would feel more genuine if I had actually MADE mashed potatoes and gravy. Tell me again just why that Latverian dictator respects you so much...?
--Susan

Cuddly Russkie: You're just part of a conspiracy trying to make me believe there's a conspiracy to lead me around chasing conspiracies that aren't even REAL conspiracies, while the conspiracy to present false conspiracies is REALLY a conspiracy to convince me that the bulk of the true conspiracies are fake conspiracies which are all just part of a real government conspiracy rather than extraterrestrial conspiracies, or extraterrestrial conspiracies in concert with secret governmental conspiracies. So no matter what, there's a conspiracy. Probably a whole pile of them. Mounds. Reams. Acres of conspiracies. I want my own conspiracy, d-mn it. Everyone else has one. Want to conspire?
--Foxy Man

Cuddly Russkie: And how do they know it's THE most covert antiterrorist group on the planet? If there were antiterrorist groups that were MORE covert, they wouldn't know about them. Right?
--Foxy Man

Marlboro Man: I could always buy a BOB and order out, you know... The dog tried to bite, but the cat ate the canary before she flew the coop, so the carpet stayed clean. Go have fun beating that rug all to bits. Take pictures and get souvenirs. Hey, did you hear that Beefcake's pouting?
--Pissed Off

Gav: Never mind, hombre. I'll explain everything in person tomorrow. Just be ready to rumble, eh?
-- Love, Ric

Desperately Seeking Susan: I'm sorry. I'm deeply apologetic. I'm remorseful. Great roast, no mashed potatoes and gravy. How could I have gotten confused? There's no excuse. I don't deserve you. Please answer the question about checks. I haven't eaten in nine days. - -Stretch

Lawyer Con: 'Extensive and elaborate revenge'? ...you DID see the part where I said how sorry I was, right...? Baby?
--Lovable Thug

Foxy Man: Your place or mine? And hey, it's best not to question Peta's script. Her character's beloved by all, and I'm pretty sure she could kick your a--. What's her name? Mary-something? Something- Sue? What?
--Cuddly Russkie

Dear Myopic: Maui, huh? There's hope for you yet. I'll be there tomorrow. Love you.
--Loverbird

Featherbrain: I told you. Formal. Wear the pink. AND the feathered toupee. And don't call yourself 'Featherduster' in public. It's unsuitable for a man of your station.
--Featherhead

N'awlins: This is me deciding to believe that 'reallocating some assets' means something like 'helping old ladies cross the street and rescuing kittens from trees.' You-know-who would have a fit if he thought otherwise for one second. Speaking of which, I think he's going to Hawaii. We should go to Hawaii. Maybe we could recreate that postcard. Finish rescuing those kittens ASAP.
--Chiller

Dame Fortune: I am NOT pouting. 'Pef' is stupid.
-- Beefcake

To Whom It May Concern: If anyone interferes with a certain Hawaiian reconciliation vacation, I will personally flay you to death, slowly, and then clone you repeatedly to do so again and again and again. Do you have any idea how expensive plane fare is at this time of year?
-- Tall, Pale and Gruesome

Stretch: Yes. They take checks.
--Susan

Lovable Thug: Aw, man, I hate it when you're pathetic. It's so cute. All's forgiven. Hey, if we both ever get out of here, what do you think of moving to Mooksville? Cost of living is supposed to be really low, and someone told me they love guys like us.
--Lawyer Con

Featherhead: You know, every now and then, on exceedingly rare occasions, I start to get the radical, bizarre, outlandish idea that you take me a bit for granted. How silly of me. I'm sure that if you were ever to find my students unavailable during one of those innumerable Shi'ar crises, you would still be able to handle things perfectly fine on your own. You are, after all, the far more advanced society. Isn't that so? I'm wearing the purple. And no toupee. And I believe I've found a nickname that pleases me now, thank you, love. I'm certain you'll have no objections.
--High King of the Featherpeople

Chiller: Last kitten's safely in the box. Hawaii, huh? No hitting someplace touristy like Maui, though. How about Kaua'i, in the mountains? You'll never forget it.
--N'awlins

Cuddly Russkie: You have a place? I thought you slept in your car outside my apartment...
--Foxy Man

Pissed Off: Seen the news? I'll be there soon.
-- Marlboro Man

Beefcake: So you guys pulled it off, huh? That is one BIG crater. Talk about overkill... Congrats on fulfilling your destiny and saving the future of all human and mutantkind. We appreciate it. Don't insult 'pef.' I think it's witty.
--Dame Fortune

Dame Fortune: Ease up on Beefcake. Man's got enough problems. What with the overcompensation and sulking and all...
--Was A Secret Admirer

Marlboro Man: F
---ing hell, man, I thought you guys were supposed to leave a LITTLE bit of rug behind! How annoying was the Admirer? Did he ever stop laughing at Beefcake? I hear he's still sulking.
-- Pissed Off

Desperately Seeking Susan: Honey? Where do we keep the checkbook?
--Stretch

Rug-beaters: You have my gratitude for handling the Egyptian. Now stay out of my way and I won't confiscate your body parts for science. Unless I need them.
--Tall, Pale and Gruesome

Foxy Man: Point. Your place it is!
--Cuddly Russkie

To All Concerned Parties: I should've let the Egyptian turn you all into smears. This is my MOMENT, d-mn it. I won't let you cheapen it. It's a beautiful thing. My entire life I've been anticipating, dreading, preparing and sacrificing for the conflict that. That just. Ended. The one that I just. We just. Finished. And. It's over now, isn't it? It's over, and. I. It's. ... Fl--q me, I just put myself out of work, didn't I...?
--Beefcake

Stretch: Sigh. Never mind. I'm on my way home.
-- Susan

Beefcake: Plenty of work left. Worry about it later. Let's piss off Gruesome and go bug your parents in Maui.
--Dame Fortune

Pissed Off: All's well that ends well, darlin'. Sorry I'm not there. Got sidetracked over here in Madripoor. Wanna come play with a puppy?
--Marlboro Man

END

Who's Who?

Susan & Stretch = Sue Storm & Reed Richards of the FF

Loverbird & Myopic = Jean & Scott Summers

Featherhead & The Man of Many Feathers = Lilandra & Chuck Xavier

Hot Wheels & Puff the Magic = Barbara Gordon & Jason "Jays" Todd, AKA Draco [Not a couple, though Jays wishes otherwise. ;) Dracoverse: [http://thundercrack.hispeed.com/dracoverse.htm]

Marlboro Man & Pissed Off = Logan & Kai [Tag Team: http://home.att.net/~lubakmetyk/kailogan.htm]

Wet-n-Wild & Capeless Wonder = Garth (Tempest) & Dick Grayson [Made a pair first by Dannell, whose 'A Sea Change' storyline is being continued in the delightful (and painful) 'Sea & Sky,' cowritten by Dannell and Kerithwyn Jade. I also adopted them into the Dracoverse, URL above. Dan's 'A Sea Change' can be found at Mooksville: http://thundercrack.hispeed.com/mooksville.htm, and

'Sea & Sky' can be found at 'rith's homepage: http://www.geocities.com/kerithwyn/]

Blondie & SunKist = Sam Guthrie & Alex Summers [Made a pair by Diamonde, whose muchly nifty stories with these fellas can be found at Mooksville, URL above.]

Stupid Git & Cheshire = Pete Wisdom & Kitty Pryde [Championed by Luba Kmetyk and given a home at Fonts of Wisdom: http://home.att.net/~lubakmetyk/]

N'awlins & Chiller = Bobby & Remy [Made a pair by Devo/Glam, then written by many other folks who found them to be muchly nifty. Lots of their stories are at Mooksville, URL above. Sascha also maintains a tremendously fun page exclusively for them, Starlight and Moonbeams: http://alexandramorgan.tripod.com/bobremy/index.html]

Star-breaker & Shake-n-Bake = Shatterstar & Rictor, as dear Gaveedra Seven already told us :) [Speculated on by many fans, but so far as I know their main 'together' stories are the great fics written by Tangerine, which can also be found at Mooksville, URL above, or Tange's Ric & Shatty page: http://members.tripod.com/gaffaa.]

Beefcake & Dame Fortune = Cable and Domino [Horribly abused here, I know. They're all over and written by more people than you can shake a stick at, but Alicia McKenzie has written the largest body of Cable-fic (fantastic stuff) and hosts nearly all of what's written by any authors at her Dayspring Archive: http://members.tripod.com/~askani_2/index.html]

Lawyer Con & Lovable Thug = Tobias Beecher and Chris Keller from HBO's awesome prison-drama, 'Oz.' [I'd have a URL for you, but...I don't. And I can't be bothered to find one now. Maybe later. :)]

The Egyptian & Secret Admirer = Apocalypse & Wade Wilson, AKA Deadpool [Yes, Deadpool. No, I'm not talking about slashing Wade & Pox Lips. Ew. Read more closely if you didn't get the inside story on that.]

Sunshine & Not A Batman Ripoff = Apollo & The Midnighter from The Authority [Canon slash couple! Nifty, huh? Alicia hosts an Authority archive, Allegiance: http://members.tripod.com/~askani_2/allegiance.htm]

Tall, Pale and Gruesome = Sinister

Foxy Man & Cuddly Russkie = Fox Mulder & Alex Krycek from The X-Files [They're popular. I have no URLs. Do a websearch on 'X-Files slash' if you wanna find them.] The 'Peta' mentioned is 'Peta Wilson,' who plays the title role in 'La Femme Nikita' on USA (last I checked). No slander was meant by calling Nikita a Mary Sue. She's a really FUN Mary Sue!

The Rug-beaters = Cable, Logan and Deadpool, AKA 'the guys' Logan wanted to go beat the Egyptian rug with. They went and made Poccy go boom, along with a good chunk of the Sahara Desert. Go them. :) The 'dog' stuff was spook-talk for whatever the hell Kai was doing. I have no clue what Logan was talking about at the end. Maybe he was tracking down 'the most covert antiterrorist group on the planet.' ;)


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